My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
