evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
