i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
