SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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