I'm really into asian looking animals
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
