I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
