walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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