first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
