"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
