I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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