I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
