I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
