I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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