That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
