Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
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