just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
