Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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