i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
