Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
