The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
