is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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