Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
