Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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