I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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