I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
