just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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