what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize