Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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