no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
