Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
