i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
