You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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