HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
