Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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