walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
