Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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