This is not my ceiling
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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