Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
