PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
