Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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