mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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