So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
