I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
