Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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