I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
