girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
