You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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