Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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