Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
