My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
