Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize