Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
