Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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