i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
