i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
