u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
