just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
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