I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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